we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
