First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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