just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
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Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
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I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize