moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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