Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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