I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
