Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
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There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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