we have officially lost it.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
