I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I've blown a few things in my day
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
