awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
