god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
