so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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