Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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