I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
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