Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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