I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
