You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
