fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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