i love accidental penises.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
