is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
