Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
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making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
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Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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