I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I am spending my child support on dildos
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
