I am puke
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
