I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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