She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
