peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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