either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
