you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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