we made out on top of his cat.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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