Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
