i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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