the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
