he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
