dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Randomize
