Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
