what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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