I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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