I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
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I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
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I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
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