There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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