we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
