You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
