last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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