How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I want to be your penis for a week.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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