I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
