and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
