my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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