He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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