It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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