My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Randomize
