Capitaan dildo arrescate!
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
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