i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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