btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
