You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
