it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
