I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
