dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
