I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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